Separation anxiety and panic attacks, along with all the rest…

Seriously I’m losing my mind with the freaking out..  I’m not scared to move.. I’m actually looking forward to working and moving in with my flatmates.. I’m not sure wtf is wrong with my brain in general.. I have wasted the last 3-4 days just over thinking or losing it.. not sure which is true. 
I don’t know if it’s leaving the nest syndrome or what. I’m not even sure if I’m just scared that I will no longer have friends. 

I feel like I’m going to move to a different state of being.

I’m going to lose people and I will make new ones, I always do. But these are the longest friendships I have had. Ever. 

I constantly shifted from place to place earlier and for the last 8-9 years I’ve been in the same (mental if not physical) place and actually managed to find and retain good friends. I’m dying. On the inside. (Dramatic but that’s what it feels like.) 

It feels like pieces of me that I gave to people, will remain here and it I feel them tearing away from me slowly. Ever so slowly in moments where I am probably over thinking or just not thinking at all. It’s a bit of a constant pain.

But the truth is that, yes, I’ll be moving away.. but I’m not dying!

And it might be hard in the beginning because I won’t have a lot of people to talk to.. but some told me to chill.. “till then you’ll have us. We’ll always have your back..”

Someone else said, “I know all this sucks, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Whoever gets mad by you moving didn’t deserve your friendship in the first place. It’s your time to grow. It is your time to shine and make something of yourself. The thing about friendship is such that no amount of distance can change it. All your friends need to understand this. You deserve a chance and you are taking it. This job might take you on infinite adventures or it might bore you to death in the first few months but it’s for you to find out.”

I was told “You’re the happiest woman ever because you get to leave that house And stand on your own two feet! And it’s something you’ve been dying to do!!”

I just got a pep talk about how I am an amazing human and that there is no need to be afraid. All I need is a little faith. 

Someone explaned that I won’t lose people. I lost them earlier because I was too young to keep hanging on!

Now people wouldnt let me go! Haha! 

Because even if I suck at long distance relationships, they don’t. 

Someone called me at 3 AM not even expecting me to pick up. Just because I was missed. Many more 3 AMs will happen, not in the same city maybe, but I just remembered what I said last year about not breaking up, but expanding.. all it requires is faith and I have a little of it now…

Faith in my people. Faith in my ability to make it through. 

So I’m going to do this… Anxiety, panic attacks and all the rest!


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